Letting Go of the Pain.


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There comes a time in your life where you sit in your livingroom, staring out a window; in my case with headphones on and music blasting through my ears, really taking a look at your life. Life is something that is supposed to be this hugely meaningful thing, but is it? I am technically classified as young and inexperienced when it comes to life. I am only 28, I haven’t experienced much, right? 

This is where I find myself sitting a lot lately. I did something I haven’t done in a long time, I signed off. I signed off from my work, my life, my realities. My realities right now rip my heart in a hundred ways. They make me shed excessive amounts of tears because there are two people who are sitting strong never letting me see their pain. When I sit looking at my life I know I have gone through a lot just in the past eight years alone. From being absolutely dirt poor, unable to afford a loaf of bread, to in an excessively abusive relationship, to absolutely great and proud. My life has been a roller-coaster for a lot of years, and I am so over it. 

With the holidays, everything sat real heavy. There is no way I am going to get out of whatever I am going through. I stood in the doorway to my porch and just cried. I stood there and listened to the kids literally ream their father out, because he isn’t here. The pain they feel, the pain that I can’t fix, just destroyed me. I stood there, and cried. I ugly cried. I have never heard them speak this way to him, and to hear it; destroyed me. I felt like a failure for letting things get to this point. 

Very few people know what has been happening in my life. My life hasn’t been much of a delight the past few months. I was once in a happy relationship, but that isn’t the case anymore. I can’t even remember the last time we talked where I didn’t have to walk away and go to the bathroom to cry, pulling myself together. It has got to the point where I can’t even talk to him because I know how much my kids are hurting just wanting their dad to be apart of their lives again. I am a fixer, and I can’t fix this. I know I can’t fix this, because it is not me who they need fixing it. I can say whatever they need to hear, but that doesn’t change things. Reality is life sucks right now and we are going to hurt. The choices of others can affect us, and they have. That is life.  

That is life? 

I am sick of sitting by just letting life happen. I am a strong person. I am a person with hardcore determination, and I am not one to just walk away when things get too hard. The question is, how long can you fight for something? How long can you wait for something? How long do you cry because you are too hopeful? 

This past year has been one of my hardest years, which leaves me questioning where am I headed next. It can’t get any worse? I have found my dream job, actually feel like my career is on a path that will take me places. I have taken myself from absolute rock bottom, to a place where I can sit and know I did this. I did this. No one else. No one helped me quit smoking. No one helped me get back working. No one put a roof over our heads. No one put food on the table every night. No one kept the kids clothed. No one. But me. 

Where is life taking me in 2015? This is a question I ask myself everyday. Yes, I still spend most of my nights in tears. I am unhappy. This isn’t hard to see. I don’t get dressed. The bags under my eyes couldn’t be hidden under a pound of concealer & foundation. I don’t sleep without sleeping pills. I actually sat one night, in absolute darkness; and just sat there. I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything other than sit. Is 2015 just going to be a continuation of this? No.

NO.

My life, is my life now. Those who want to join in can, but I am not waiting around anymore. I am not letting others control our future anymore. I have the path, now I just need to take it. Will I lose people along the way? Probably, but that is their choice not mine. 

While most people make the resolutions to lose weight or eat healthier, this year my resolution is to be happy. To take the steps I need to be happy again. The steps my kids need me to take so they have their singing, dancing, goofy Mom back. Sure, I will be striving to lose weight this year, but my happiness is what matters this year. It might take all year to get there, but it will happen because I am a strong person who is determined to be someone who can look at them self in a mirror and know when they say it is going to be okay, this is the truth. 

2015, is my year. 

 

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