Have you ever been lying in bed and you get that chest crushing feeling? You know, the one that makes you want to just scream “SHUT UP!” Yeah, that seems to be my life lately.
My brain has this whole syndrome of not knowing when to keep its internal mouth shut. As it speaks, I lie there in complete frustration hating all things around me because lets face it; I can’t remember the last time I slept. Like, actually slept. People say oh take sleeping pills. Guess what folks, been there done that. Even combined sleeping pills with melatonin liquid. Nope.
Others say, oh maybe you need to stop drinking caffeine late in the day. If you consider 3pm late in the day, you really need to enter my world. 3pm is when things are just getting fun! It is however the last hour of my day I’ll drink anything but water.
It isn’t that I can’t sleep, it is my brain won’t let me.
I am constantly feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious. Yes I know it is a medical issue, yes I know I should go to the doctor and get help but I know the drill. They tell me to minimize the stresses in my life, avoid activities that could spike anxious feelings and when overwhelmed feelings start to develop try to refocus on something more calming.
Or, they prescribe me pills that will counteract with other health complications because they haven’t taken the time to review my medical history and I am back to square one! WOO.
Sleep to me happens in the wee hours of the morning. You know, 5am. I finally hit that time of night where I just powerhouse through the sleep stages and next thing I know it is 8am, the kids are fighting and I am starting a new day of the same constant nattering, fighting and feelings that I just despise.
Lack of Sleep Screws With Ya Man.
This I know all too well. Lack of sleep can be the start of a whole lotta F’d up. First you begin the depressing stages. Nothing just feels joyous anymore. Next, you do everything in your power to be absolutely exhausted by bed so fingers crossed you SLEEP! Ya… nope.
Once you’ve hit the final stages of down right anger. You find yourself sitting in your livingroom at 12:38am writing on your blog. Sup!
Lets face it, I am done. There is so much going on in my life that the last thing I need to get back into is not sleeping. I am sick of passing out in the middle of the day on the couch because my body literally can’t get through an entire day. I am absolutely fed up with always feeling overwhelmed because I can never sleep so even the smallest things make me go off the band wagon.
Can you say arguments? You’d think Daddy would figure it out by now, but he is male. If I don’t break down into tears or tell him via text he wouldn’t notice a thing wrong and most likely just blame my anger and epic frustrations on PMS. Have you ever tried to live with someone who literally doesn’t understand? You blow up their brains multiple times a day because they just aren’t helping with the anxiety, overwhelmed exhaustion you are already dealing with. When you walk into a room and there is something on the floor, that they know is on the floor but don’t feel the need to pick it up; even though they’ve had to STEP over it several times… ya. Full blown overwhelmed.
Calm. Stay Calm. That is all I say to myself in my head and walk away.
You may be thinking, well why don’t you bend over and pick it up! This is where your lack of knowing me gives me kicks. I can’t bend over very well. For the past year I’ve been learning how to live with arthritis and in the process; I quit smoking in January so I have put on a little weight which has made my overall ability to move around REAL DIFFICULT. The kids have got very used to picking up things on the floor for their dear old Mom and at the grocery store getting the things on the bottom two shelves or finding someone who can. I know my timing to put on weight wasn’t a good time but I needed to quit smoking and the time was then. And props to me I haven’t had a single slip up! Not many can say that.
Okay, back to not rambling about random crap you don’t care about! Well, likely no one reads this anymore anyways so I am merely talking to myself. Maybe it will help me sleep. Brain meet computer, computer meet brain!
Bedtime is probably the most overwhelming time of my day. I have to make sure everything is completely pitch black. Got my water bottle! Phone turned off, all things that could make a wee bit of light, off. I have too. The smallest little pinch of light sends me. I hate it. Complete utter blackness.
And then I think of something I forgot to do. And then I have to get up and relock my truck because I can’t remember if I did or not. Then I remember I forgot to put something in the fridge or turn something off or switch out the laundry. OR THE Worst! The argument I had earlier with Daddy that literally was about nothing but because every aspect of my life is just in shambles I scream at him for not rinsing out his dishes and putting on the right side of the counter and not the left because dirty dishes on the right, clean on the left. SO SIMPLE, but also so silly. It doesn’t matter, but in my world it does.
He is gone a lot so he isn’t used to my past few years developed quirks. I haven’t always been this way. I live alone a lot. The kids know the routine. They know where things go, what to do and when to do it. When I start cooking dinner, set the table. When dinner is had, clear the table. Dirty dishes on right, clean on left. Simple.
Add in another person who literally does his own thing, doesn’t have to think for anyone but himself. Doesn’t even have to take care of anyone ever. Overwhelming. I get angry, and then I sit up all night replaying every aspect of my day in my head and then recheck the trucks locked, doors locked, fridge closed, basement light off, kids in their beds. etc etc etc. No I don’t have OCD! I just forget I do things so redo them just to be safe. Better safe than sorry.
And in the end, I know a lot of my issues are caused by my inability to sleep. I can be passing out on the couch but the moment I go to bed, BAM! Awake. Pulls trigger.
It is difficult. Sleep is something I know I need. Without it a lot of health complications can arise. A lot of life complications too for that matter. Sleep is a vital aspect of life and man I wish it would be so kind to be back in my life! I think the kids would love it if their Mommy could sleep too. We’d all get along a lot better.
At least soon school is back in so my overwhelmed hours will be cut back a bit. Soon their Dad will go back to the states as well and then the only person that will get to drive me crazy is myself!
There you have it folks! I can’t sleep. I can’t remember the last time I got proper sleep and well… its been awhile! Hope you are reading this during daylight hours and able to sleep unlike myself!